Friday, August 8, 2014

Literal Descriptions of Pre-School TV Shows

I'm very happy to report that 100% of my children are no longer pre-schoolers. This means that Caillou is officially dead to me. Along with his friends Barney, Dora, and any other muppet/animated hellion whose theme songs have made it impossible for me to remember important things like what's on my grocery list or my children's birthdays. Do-do-do-do-do-December? Nope, that's my birthday. 


I've been wondering what an alien life form would think of some of our children's television programming. At face value, here's what some of these shows seems to be about.

Caillou


A young boy with alopecia lives in a world with limited secondary colors and no tertiary colors. 

Dora


Encephalitis causes a young bilingual girl to have hallucinations featuring animals in footwear and inanimate objects that sing.

SpongeBob


A sea sponge huffs helium and tries to befriend a cranky, squid-version of Kenny G. 

Barney


A T-Rex proves to be a friend and off-key singer who does not indulge his carnivorous nature by ingesting the small children he's been put in charge of.

Yo Gabba Gabba


A sex toy and his band of monster/robot friends come to life to sing about germs and trying new foods between snippets of 8-bit animations.

Clifford the Big Red Dog


Mutant dog with an atypical fur color befriends a young girl. Despite what must be ginormous poops, the community at large embraces his presence.

Imagination Movers


Grown men with a severely limited wardrobe live in a house with secret rooms. Sometimes they sing about it. 

Doc McStuffins


A young girl is largely isolated from interaction with other humans while maintaining an unlicensed medical practice for stuffed animals. 

The Backyardigans


Animals with pigmentation disorders are presumed orphaned, but have formed a backyard band whose imaginations are sometimes set to a Zydeco soundtrack.