I'm very happy to report that 100% of my children are no longer pre-schoolers. This means that Caillou is officially dead to me. Along with his friends Barney, Dora, and any other muppet/animated hellion whose theme songs have made it impossible for me to remember important things like what's on my grocery list or my children's birthdays. Do-do-do-do-do-December? Nope, that's my birthday.
I've been wondering what an alien life form would think of some of our children's television programming. At face value, here's what some of these shows seems to be about.
A young boy with alopecia lives in a world with limited secondary colors and no tertiary colors.
Encephalitis causes a young bilingual girl to have hallucinations featuring animals in footwear and inanimate objects that sing.
A sea sponge huffs helium and tries to befriend a cranky, squid-version of Kenny G.
A T-Rex proves to be a friend and off-key singer who does not indulge his carnivorous nature by ingesting the small children he's been put in charge of.
Yo Gabba Gabba
A sex toy and his band of monster/robot friends come to life to sing about germs and trying new foods between snippets of 8-bit animations.
Clifford the Big Red Dog
Mutant dog with an atypical fur color befriends a young girl. Despite what must be ginormous poops, the community at large embraces his presence.
Grown men with a severely limited wardrobe live in a house with secret rooms. Sometimes they sing about it.
A young girl is largely isolated from interaction with other humans while maintaining an unlicensed medical practice for stuffed animals.
Animals with pigmentation disorders are presumed orphaned, but have formed a backyard band whose imaginations are sometimes set to a Zydeco soundtrack.