Friday, March 27, 2015

The Parent Bus

There's magic in that big yellow bus. The most powerful of which is that I don't have to drive the big yellow bus. When it pulls up to the curb, my kids stand in line until the doors whoosh open, and poof, like Cinderella off to the ball, they are whisked away, all while I wave, still wearing my PJs.

But there's magic on those big yellow buses, too. Kids chattering and laughing and picking spitballs out of their hair. (Is that still a thing or did it go out sometime in 1954?) They do all that bonding and social development and wishing they'd peed before getting on the bus.

Sometimes the bus takes them to other exciting places like pumpkin patches and children's museums. Or it takes them to snooze-fest City Hall where someone drones on about the history of the town and, really, if you're going to have a stomach bug, City Hall field trip day is a good day for rotavirus.

City Hall and spitballs aside, I wouldn't mind a big yellow bus for parents.

It could take us to parent school, where we'd learn about how to ensure the kids will still visit once they've left the nest and when it's time to clean those pee-pee sheets and when it's better to burn them. I don't care how much detergent you use, there comes a time when the best cleaning measure is immolation.

We'd have field trips to coffee houses where we'd press our noses up against the glass and drool over butter croissants and ask to smell the espresso beans.

Instead of puppet shows, we'd be driven to movie matinees where we'd watch an R-rated movie and no one would ask to "go potty" during the most pivotal scene.

We'd get bused to Target. The kids would have packed our returns into our backpacks the night before and slipped a fiber bar into the little side pocket for a snack. They'd hand us an envelope with a few dollars in it so we could all get slushies and visit the Dollar Spot before leaving.

If parents got on the bus, we'd chatter about sports and piano lesson scheduling conflicts and the last time we had a date night. Someone would pick an errant fruit snack out of our hair for us.

The Parent Bus sounds wonderful, and full of exciting possibilities. But none so idyllic as the the bus ride home, during which we'd all nap.

This bus day dream has helped me to remember that kids and parents aren't so different. We want to go fun places, be with friends, learn cool stuff, and all of us wished we'd peed before getting on the bus.

Now available, the follow-up to the NYT Best Selling I  Just Want to Pee Alone, is the hilarious and heart-warming, and pore-cleansing I Still Just Want to Pee Alone. Not only is it a great read, it's also a book I'm in, so you can see why I'm keen for you to buy it. My essay, "Let's Piss Off the Babies," might very well be the funniest thing I've ever written. That's what my mom told me.

Here's where to buy I STILL Just Want to Pee Alone:

CLICK HERE for Kindle
CLICK HERE for Paperback via Amazon
CLICK HERE for iTunes/iBooks
CLICK HERE for Nook or Paperback via Barnes & Noble