Friday, October 31, 2014

You’re better than that sexy taco costume this Halloween

It’s easy to get pissed off about the sexy cop costume for little girls. You know the one? It’s full-on pedophile gear with a short and sassy skirt, fingerless gloves, and handcuffs. Nothing says “respectable female police officer” like an eight-year-old wearing something Christian Grey would buy for Anastasia. Even better? Party City’s site lists this as a “Toddler Girls Cop Costume.” Whoops, just threw up in my mouth.

But that costume has nothing on the more fetishistic sexy garb. As wrong, and sex crime–adjacent, as the little girl dressed like a two-bit stripper is, what else would we expect from an industry that churns out the Sexy Taco? Oh, I see what you did there, “taco” is Mexican street food that you put in your mouth, just like a “taco” is also slang for female genitalia that you put in your mouth. Pass the sexy salsa!


Still, who’s to blame for sexy everything? Is it the producers of such tasteful items as Baby Cannabis Leaf or Sexy Mostly Likely to Get Roofied by the Cookie Monster Costume? Or is it us? Here’s a surefire test, if you go to a Halloween party as Sexy Ebola Containment Suit Wearing Person and don’t fall immediately into a shame spiral, then it’s our fault, America!

"C" is for cray cray.

The question becomes, which came first, the Sexy Big Bird Costume (don’t forget the sexy hat!) or the Sexy Egg? That question is even harder to answer when an entity that usually exploits women for the sex industry, is the one pointing out our obsession with making the least coitus-inducing things into something with fishnets.
In this topsy-turvy Halloween tale, it’s Playboy—a name synonymous with in-your-face sexualization—whose has given us a satirical take on titillating costumes. This year it’s Heff who is getting America to take a good, hard, long look at itself in the mirror dressed up as Sexy Gumby and wonder, “What fresh hell?”

Is that a Gumby coming out of your skull or are you just happy to see me?

Yes, Playboy has turned a tongue-in-cheek and hilarious lens on sexy costumes by making half-naked versions of some of America’s favorite men, from John Oliver to George Takei. And I hate myself for loving you, Playboy. Just like I hated myself about 10 minutes into trolling the sexy costume and lingerie site,, when I thought, “This Sexy Jellyfish could be cute.”

So, how broken is our eroticism meter when a nudie mag best sums up everything that’s wrong with the misappropriation of "sexy”? Sure, they did it so they could call out some of America’s favorite men and bask in the reflected glory, but that doesn’t mean we can't learn from this, 'Merica.

What’s the lesson? The lesson is that lingerie made to look like a Nintendo DS does not a Halloween costume or an erection make. Because, if it really were possible to make everything sexy just by removing 99% of the fabric and adding an accessory, then Sexy Louis C. K. would work as well as Naughty Kitty. But it doesn’t. 

(Side NoteHow many animals do we suppose men want to have intercourse with, in reality?)

So, check yourself before you Sexy Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball yourself (not an actual costume, just some $13.95 underwear). If you need help keeping your taste levels reined in, keep this Sexy George R. R. Martin costume in mind. On second thought, do not look directly at the Sexy George R. R. Martin costume. Somebody needs to tell that girl that winter is coming and she’s gonna need more than a captain’s hat to stave off frostbite.