Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The 12 Parenting Fails of Christmas



As a parent, it’s important to remember that the Christmas season isn’t the only holiday during which you’ll have the opportunity to fail your children horribly, it’s just the one with the most fail potential. 

"I said Skylanders Swap Force, not Trap Team, stupid, fat Santa!" 

“Jammies are for babies, mom!”

"Ugh, these aren't Uggs!"

As in all parts of parenting, you can count on the abject disappointment of your children to really drive home the fact that you spent hundreds of dollars to bring them a pile of Christmas misery. 

Like all human suffering, the darkest holiday feelings are best expressed in song. 

The 12 Parenting Fails of Christmas


For the first fail of Christmas, my children said to me:
When will we decorate the tree?

For the second fail of Christmas, my children said to me:
I saw you touch the elf!
and When will we decorate the tree?

For the third fail of Christmas, my children said to me: 
I don’t like these cookies, 
I saw you touch the elf,
and when will we decorate the tree?

For the fourth fail of Christmas, my children said to me:
You promised we’d see Santa, 
I don’t like these cookies, 
I saw you touch the elf,
and when will we decorate the tree?

For the fifth fail of Christmas, my children said to me:
BUY ME ALL OF THE THINGS!
You promised we’d see Santa,
I don’t like these cookies, 
Why’d you touch our elf?
And when will we decorate the tree?

For the sixth fail of Christmas, my children said to me:
Is Santa diabetic?
BUY ME ALL OF THE THINGS!
You promised we’d see Santa,
I don’t like these cookies, 
Why’d you touch our elf?
And when will we decorate the tree?

For the seventh fail of Christmas, my children said to me: 
Need snacks for my school party,
Is Santa diabetic?
BUY ME ALL OF THE THINGS!
When will we see Santa?
These cookies are “bis-gusting,”
The elf still hasn’t moved,
And when will we decorate the tree?

For the eighth fail of Christmas, my children said to me:
Is Santa Jesus’s daddy?
Need snacks for my school party,
Is Santa diabetic?
BUY ME ALL OF THE THINGS!
Seriously, where is Santa?
I just want some Oreos, 
Why’d you hafta touch him? 
And when will we decorate the tree?

For the ninth fail of Christmas, my children said to me: 
You forgot the teacher gifts, 
Is Santa Jesus’s daddy?
Need snacks for my school party, 
Is Santa diabetic?
BUY ME ALL OF THE THINGS!
I want to go see Santa, 
Can’t you make good cookies?
Why’d you touch our elf?
And when will we decorate the tree?

For the tenth fail of Christmas, my children said to me:
How was Mary a virgin?
You forgot the teacher gifts, 
Is Santa’s Jesus’s daddy?
Twenty snacks for the school party,
He eats a lot of sweets, 
BUY ME ALL OF THE THINGS!
Take me to see Santa,
I just threw up your cookies,
I saw you touch the elf, 
And when will we decorate the tree?

For the eleventh fail of Christmas, my children said to me: 
Are you really Santa?
How was Mary a Virgin?
You forgot the teacher gifts, 
Is Santa Jesus’s daddy?
Twenty-one if you count the teacher,
He should test his blood sugar,
BUY ME ALL OF THE THINGS!
I think he’s at the mall, 
Can I have a cookie?
Did you kill our elf?
And when will we decorate the tree?

For the twelfth fail of Christmas, my children said to me:
One more thing for my list, 
Are you really Santa?
No way she’s a virgin,
I guess you hate my teachers, 
So Santa got her pregnant?
And make them gluten free, 
It really isn’t healthy, 
UNDERWEAR ISN’T A GIFT!
I still want to see Santa, 
Grandma makes better cookies,
Fine, I touched him, too, 
And when will we decorate the tree?

***

Merry Christmas, one and all. May your trash collector take all your oversized boxes and your eggnog be ever spiked. 

Love and joy, Nicole