Thursday, April 9, 2015

If I only had a penis, I'd be funnier

I'm listening to the PG Comedy channel on Pandora (kids in the room, got to limit their vocabulary to "aw, shucks!").

I'm on the tenth comedy track and I've heard some great bits, but not one of them by a woman.

I heard a man make a joke about never thinking he'd have to tell his kids not to bite the dog.

No woman could deliver that punchline. It's just somasculine.

I heard a man joke that his 15-year-old mentioned he'd be driving next year and the comic hasn't slept in two weeks worrying about that reality.

Too nuanced for a woman to have written, you know, because her vagina might get in the way of her brain function. It happens. Don't believe me? Look up the meaning of the totally legitimate mental disorder called "hysteria."

I've heard from favorites like Brian Regan and Jim Gaffigan. And I laughed because they are funny. And probably because they have penises, which, well, funniest genitals on the planet, am I right?
But I haven't heard a single female voice. Because, ladies, I guess it's time we face facts, WOMEN JUST CAN'T DO COMEDY.

Everyone knows the only things women *can* joke about are having periods and saggy boobs and menopause and why we don't like sex.

We can sometimes joke about parenting, too, but let's leave that to the men, shall we ladies? Because when a man talks about being a parent it's hilarious and when a woman does it's just "lady humor."
Because women's humor isn't relatable. Sure, women comprise half of humanity, but, unlike jokes about having penises and wanting to see breasts---which are funny to every single human---jokes about things exclusive to the female gender are inherently less funny because, um, I'm sure there's a good reason.

That reason must also be why, of the 24 comedy channels on Pandora radio, only 3 have pictures of women in the preview thumbnail. Those are: the "Women in Comedy" station, the "LGBT Comedy" station, and the "Ridiculous Relatives Comedy" station. No thumbnails of the ladies in the various comedy channels dedicated to particular decades or ethnocentric genres like the Latino or the Asian channel.

Women's humor lives in the "Women of Comedy" station, primarily, so decent humans can avoid hearing their shrill and depressing sets. Imagine if a woman comic popped up on a non-female channel! Would the world spontaneously ovulate? Would men grow breasts and storm the drug stores in search of Midol and an US Weekly? CHAOS.

I've been writing humor, almost exclusively, for the last 4 years. I write satirical humor, 140-character zingers for Twitter, professional humor columns for my local newspaper and---so far---humor essays for 4 humor anthologies.

I write humor columns for local magazines. I wrote a humorous marketing screenplay for a local company's annual meeting.

I've been on NickMom and Lifetime Moms and Mamalode and Bonbon Break writing humor. I've been on Scary Mommy and Mommy Shorts and The Huffington Post (Women, Parents, and Comedy).
I've read two humor pieces live on stage. Pieces I had to audition for before they'd let me tell jokes to an audience.

All of this is to say, thank you, Pandora radio! Without you, I'd have kept at it! Imagine me, a woman, creating jokes that are undoubtedly not funny in the least.

Why, I might have seen my friends laughing and thought they were laughing with me, when they have most certainly been laughing to mask their disdain and shame. Oh, how they must pity me!

I might have read favorable comments and reviews and thought that I'd made people literally experience the internet phenomenon known as LOLing. I see now that their "hahahahahahahahahas" were nothing more than a lie to protect my fragile, imagined persona: comedienne.

No humorist, I. Just a woman. A woman who may listen to the jokes men tell, but never make them herself.

Pandora, you've saved me. I'll go back to my rightful place, which is in the audience, laughing at men's jokes.


Books I'm in that you can buy 
that I mistakenly believed were funny, 
one of which is a 
New York Times Best Seller 
because we fooled thousands and thousands of consumers 
into thinking it would make them laugh