Friday, May 27, 2016

I'm a Perfect Parent

I know you're feeling low about now, what with that food stain on your shirt and a few Legos in your pocket where your lip balm used to be. You don't have enough clean laundry to clothe all your children and the stuff that is clean, what's that smell? It's sour cream meets wet dog, right? Like it, in terms of animal instincts, it's a smell that says "Don't eat me, danger!" That's how the jeans your 8-year-old is wearing smell all the time, going into the laundry or coming out of the dryer.

Good news, I am perfect. So are you. Buy it now.


It's okay, pookie. It's just that you're a perfect parent.

I am, too.

I have half a chicken breast and 4 ozs., total, of two different kinds of pasta shapes I need to use to make a dinner that will feed six people. And I will. And they will like it and proclaim it the best dinner ever because that's what it means to be a perfect parent.

You're going to spend 18+ years helping a child make science projects out of whatever the hell you happen to have lying around and you'll succeed. You're going to make school lunches out of English muffins and dried apricots with a side of crunchy Chinese noodles and the kids will thank you for it. You're going to accidentally show up on time and sometimes be very late only to discover the meeting or game or spelling bee is actually tomorrow and that, friends, is winning.

You're not perfect because you iron the kids' sheets and always remember to write your their name on the inside of their winter jackets. You're perfect because you don't do those things and your kids are happy and healthy anyway. You're perfect because you MacGyver your way through parenting and somehow your child is graduating from high school in one piece and with honors (or, at least, not in jail).

Perfect parenting is the art of making it work even though the odds are stacked, enournously and unfairly, against you. Perfect parenting is emergency diapers made of an extra onesie and some duct tape.

I'm just about as perfect a parent as you'll find. And so are you.

So treat yourself to a little camaraderie with other perfect parents, like the ones in my new anthology (by which I mean someone else published it and I happen to have an essay in it). We are just a bunch of moms who have no idea where we left the car keys, but you bet your life we'll find a way to get the kids to school on time. Ish. Maybe 10 minutes late. Fifteen, tops.


BUT WHO ARE THE OTHER PERFECT PARENTS IN THIS ANTHOLOGY?
Glad you asked. Essays by:

Jen Mann - People I Want to Punch in the Throat / I Just Want to Pee Alone
Bethany Kriger Thies - Bad Parenting Moments
Deva Nicole Dalporto - MyLifeSuckers
Julianna Wesby Miner - Rants From Mommyland 
Lola Lolita - SammichesPsychMeds / MockMom 
Kim Bongiorno - Let Me Start By Saying
Alyson Herzig - The Shitastrophy
Kathryn Leehane - Foxy Wine Pocket
Harmony Hobbs - Modern Mommy Madness
Erin Dwyer Dymowski - Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms
Tara Wood - Love Morning Wood
Kelcey Kintner - The Mama Bird Diaries
Lisa René LeClair - Sassypiehole
Joelle Wisler - Joelle Wisler, Writer
Christine McDevitt Burke - Keeper of The Fruit Loops
Meredith Spidel - The Mom of the Year
Meredith Gordon - Bad Sandy
Allison Hart - Motherhood, WTF?
Jennifer Lizza - Outsmarted Mommy
Suzanne Fleet - Toulouse and Tonic
AK Turner - Vagabonding with Kids
Robyn Welling - Hollow Tree Ventures
Ashley Fuchs - The Malleable Mom
Kim Forde - The Fordeville Diaries
E.R. Catalano - Zoe vs. the Universe
Chrissy Woj - Quirky Chrissy
Stacey Gill - One Funny Motha
Wendi Aarons - wendiaarons.com
Jen Simon – jensimonwriter.com
Janel Mills - 649.133: Girls, the Care and Maintenance Of.
Jessica Azar - Herd Management
Susanne Kerns -The Dusty Parachute
Audrey Hayworth - Sass Mouth
Hedia Anvar - Gunmetal Geisha
Christine Organ - christineorgan.com
Shya Gibbons - ShyaGibbons

*Affiliate links appear in this post.